Questionnaire
4
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The
Heaven & Hell Quiz
30th January, 1993
The Weekend Scotsman
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| Questionnaire
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The
Heaven & Hell Quiz |
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What or where is your idea of heaven? |
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| Heaven is the Scottish Co-operative Wholesale Republic where everyone lives by making and doing good things for each other. The basic wage of the poorest is never less than half the wage of the richest employer. All profits are spent on four kinds of public work: excellent public housing; an education service whose largest classes are ten pupils per teacher; a health service whose nurses have the same wages as the doctors; and electricity generated by wind, water, sunpower and the earth's internal heat. |
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What
or where is your idea of hell? |
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| Hell is a highly competitive United Kingdom where 20% of the damned are unemployed and 75% work in terror of being fired by the devils who are the 5% in senior management and finance. The devils think Hell has become far more free and democratic since the power of the unions and local government was destroyed, and the rest of the damned agree with them. |
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Who would accompany you to heaven? |
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| Whoever wanted to come. |
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Who would you least like to meet in hell? |
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| Neil Kinnock and John Major. |
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Which two objects do you carry to heaven? |
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| I hate carrying things. |
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What domestic chore awaits you in hell? |
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| Washing my clothes. |
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With which books is heaven's library stocked? |
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| All of them. |
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What film never ends in hell's only cinema? |
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Scum. |
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What do you listen to in heaven? |
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| Wind, water, birdsong, human music and conversation. |
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Who never stops playing in hell? |
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| Stockbrokers and estate agents. |
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What sins will you repent before entering heaven? |
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| My unkindness, deliberate and accidental. |
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What fantasy comes true in heaven? |
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| Painting lovely pictures with clouds all over the sky. |
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In which era is your heaven located? |
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| The future. |
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How are you forced to occupy your time in hell? |
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| Contemplating myself. |
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Who would you choose to look like in heaven? |
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| A healthy panther. |
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What sport is your idea of hell? |
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| Property speculation. |
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How would you like to enter heaven? |
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| Casually. |
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What hope for the Earth do you wish upon your departure? |
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| That it gets more heavenly. |
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Would you return, given the chance? Why? |
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| Yes, out of curiosity. |
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What would be your epitaph? |
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| "I have nothing. I owe much. The rest I leave to the poor." |
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